What is true love? A Zen Perspective

We have allowed society and conditioning to shape our view of love. What if we consider a different view, one that presents love as our true inner state?

Hollywood movies present love as a grand, all-consuming passion that overcomes all obstacles. Some portray love as something that must be earned or proven.

Romanticism, which was an artistic, literary, and intellectual movement that began in the late 18th century, encourages us to ignore reason, letting spontaneous emotions take the lead. The movement emphasized individualism, intense emotion, and the beauty of nature, often prioritizing passion over logic. In the context of love, Romanticism makes attraction, pleasure, and desire the foundation of love.

These narratives can create unrealistic expectations about what love should look and feel like. As a result, they make mental suffering inevitable when our experiences come to an end.

Attachments

Society has taught us to see love as an attachment—a powerful emotional and physical attraction. We have been conditioned to label love as an experience of strong adoration, where someone else becomes the source of our happiness. This perception closes us off from the true nature of love.

Attachment can lead to dependency, possessiveness, and control. For example, in relationships where one partner constantly seeks reassurance or needs to monitor the other's activities. When people's needs are unmet, underlying anger and resentment often emerge.

Romantic companionship is wonderful, and falling in love is a joyful experience. Yet, few people can feel they embody love itself without relying on another's presence. Instead, they often need someone else to validate their sense of love.

The spiritual teacher Krishnamurti spoke extensively on love and attachment. Krishnamurti argued that attachment is the root of suffering in relationships, as it is driven by the desire to possess and control. True love, according to him, is free from attachment and allows for complete freedom. Paradoxically, this freedom does not diminish the connection between two people; instead, it enhances it, as true freedom allows both individuals to be fully themselves without fear, which deepens intimacy and trust.

"To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something—and it is only such love that can know freedom."
—Jiddu Krishnamurti

True Love is Not Conditional

True love is not about what we can get from someone else—it is about what we can share without attachment or conditions. When we let go of expectations, we open ourselves to joy and a real experience of love.

Love is not transactional; it is not, "I love you because..." It is simply, "I love."

Zen teaches us to say, "I am love." But few can truly feel this when they say it. Can we remain in the energy of love even when provoked?

True love is our inherent nature—the very energy we are made of. The essence of life itself is love: boundless, open awareness, free from judgments and expectations. It transcends the self and brings peace, acceptance, and freedom.

Love is not a chain that binds; it is a light that illuminates. It simply shines, warming everything it touches without condition.

Embracing Self-Love

Ask yourself, "When have I sought validation from others instead of looking within?"

Life can feel exhausting when we believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with us, that we are not lovable. Without self-love, we become dependent on others for validation, making them a threat to our emotional stability whenever they fail to meet our needs.

There is nothing wrong with who you are—you are love, and worthy of love in return, just as you are.

Letting go of the idea that love requires attachment to another person is liberating. When we accept ourselves fully, we begin to discover what love truly is. Loving ourselves means embracing even the parts we consider flawed and extending that acceptance to others.

Self-compassion exercise

Place your hand over your heart, take a deep breath, and remind yourself, 'I am enough, I am love.'

True Love

Imagine love as a container like an empty sky—vast, endless, holding everything without distinction. In this space, clouds of joy and storms of sorrow pass through, yet the sky remains unchanged, open, and embracing.

True love accepts others as they are—including all their emotions and expressions—while maintaining our boundaries. Being in a state of love dissolves fear; it makes anger and resentment impossible.

The greatest gift we can give someone is to love them for who they are, exactly as they are. We are all here to awaken this boundless container of love that holds us. Once we understand this, we find true freedom from the pain of attachment.

Wishing you well,
Howard

"I don't know what I don't know, and I'm always a work in progress."